Fellow travellers, I am very excited about what Julian Assange will do next. It seems that he has lots of confidential files relating to UFO reports and sightings and is threatening to release them. I suspect there will be some explosive details about the countless cover-ups and conspiracies to keep the truth about aliens away from the world's population.

And that truth - which so many of the world's governments find so scary, which is actually scary in itself! - is that aliens do come in peace. (Really, they do. I know this because I have met them on numerous occasions.)

It's just a really tragic irony that this cosmic goodwill is mistaken so often by humans. That's why we have these unfortunate "attempted alien abduction" and "bizarre sexual experiment" phenomena that I'm sure you're aware of.

You see, the aliens sincerely want to communicate with us, and give us the benefit of their wisdom. But they're just a bit socially inept. So they tend to arrive in the middle of the night unannounced in people's bedrooms. Before they get to sit down and have a nice little chat about why they're here, their intended interlocutors just freak out totally and try to run away! Being of a nervous disposition themselves the aliens get quite panicked by this. They hold these people down and try to erase those feelings of shock and discomfort with their relaxation tools. These work very well on their own people. But sadly they haven't yet mastered how to use them effectively on us.

The discipline is actually based on pressure points, much like acupuncture. (Actually, it's the way acupuncture started, but that's another story.) They are supposed to be inserted up the nose - and sometimes are. But because the aliens are usually very flustered, and not sufficiently au fait with the human anatomy, these long shiny objects frequently end up going rather violently into other orifices as well!

The end result is a terrifying ordeal for the human involved. The aliens leave, often in quite a state of pique - and sometimes with the human on board. The reason for that outcome is because they think they can calm the human (who they now feel very responsible for) with the bigger, more powerful tools on board their space ships. Not surprisingly this just exacerbates an already bad situation. So they have to dump them back on Earth, utterly traumatized and bewildered.

Fellow travellers, it's just so sad. Particularly since it all starts with such a sincere desire to connect on the part of the aliens. But the pathway to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say ...

Anyway, it will be interesting to see if Assange's X Files contain much hard evidence that confirms what I've just told you. I'm quite confident they will. Which is why I await their release with a great sense of anticipation.