Fellow travellers, as we all know today is Anzac Day, surely the most racist, sexist, homophobic and Gaia-phobic ritual we Australians have (and we have quite a few!).

Really, why we still allow this grotesque festival of hate to continue is completely beyond me! I mean, it is nothing less than the overt and shameless glorification of war. High ranking officials actually line up to celebrate acts of mass murder, which peenie-waving patriarchs describe, in their usual deceitful way, as "acts of bravery".

Even sassy sister Quentin Bryce, who has done so much for the poor, the downtrodden, and those culturally marginalized by phallocentric lookism, is showing obeisance. This is deeply perturbing, fellow travellers. How are we to subvert this appalling paradigm when even role models like Ms Bryce are participating in their own oppression?

And isn't it despicable that children - children! - are brainwashed into admiring revolting rapists and murderers of decades long past. "They died so that we can live" say the yes men (and of course they are almost all men). Well, they would say that, wouldn't they? The bigger the lie, the greater the number of people who will believe it, after all. Yes, they say it like the like true Nazis they are!

No, peenie wavers, some attitudinal reconstruction is in order: They died - and killed - because they were full of testosterone and couldn't stop themselves from running amok with guns, bayonets and bombs!

And don't those doddery, decaying old diggers make you want to throw up? I can only hope we'll be digging the graves of the last of them soon - and I mean that in a life-affirming way. We on the left will be dancing in the street when that happens, I can assure you. (Although, sadly, I doubt that will be the end of the ritual. Still, it will be a small victory in our war against war.)

As well as Anzac Day being so corrosive to the human soul, it is also appallingly environmentally unfriendly. Think of the massive carbon footprint made by all those travelling to Anzac Cove in Gallipoli. It would be an appalling load under any circumstances. But considering the pro-feminist message Gaia just sent us via that volcanic eruption in Iceland, it is simply unforgivable.

Gaia has been violated, yet again. And we weep with Her, fellow travellers. Yes, we weep. Oh, we weep, because only we on the left have hearts full of love for our Mother, the Earth.

The rest of Australia? Those war-loving haters can go to hell!